i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
