maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call