I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
