im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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