Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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