ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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