I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
