awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
