I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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