OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
