wrigley field is MILF paradise
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
