I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
