my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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