Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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