Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
