Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
