I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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