It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
