My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
