I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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