someone threw a dead crab at me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
