There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
