Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i will never coherently bang her
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
