He disabled his match.com account in front of me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
