i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
