This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
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I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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