I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
