Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
