Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
