Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
