Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
