I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
