I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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