i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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