I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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