I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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