you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
