I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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