I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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