My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
