Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize