I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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