A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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