I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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