Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
