I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
