There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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