Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I love you.
Bad choice
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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