Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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