God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You pole danced in your parka.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
