The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My vagina just recognized that song.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
