my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
