You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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