WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Randomize
