I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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