I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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